I wanted to attempt to try to describe the inner thoughts of
my OCD mind to you in order to explain what goes on inside, even if it feels near
impossible to do so. With some aspects of OCD it’s conceivable somewhat to
explain why you have a problem with something like an item or location but
somewhere down your line of explanation there almost always seems to be a point
where you metaphorically rip up the book of common sense reasoning to which
most human beings adhere to and instead apply your own logic. This won’t necessarily
be the same definition of logic that non-OCD people rationalise the world
around them with, but your own unique form from the inner depths of your brain
where for most part what you feel about something is usually dictated to you
long before it reaches your consciousness. When OCD invades your mind it goes
on the rampage, rewriting as much of your views of everything in this world into
ones that are grafted with OCD graffiti that has permanently stained. This way,
no matter what you do or think, OCD knows … that you know … that it wrote those
rules you’re following. If you can’t do a certain action you’ll know it’s
because OCD stated you can’t and, if you can perform an action, you’ll also
know that the only reason you can do this is because OCD let you. If someone
asks you why you struggle or refuse to do some task, you’ll start by answering
it logically with words that most understand, and logic that partially seems plausible.
The more questions someone asks you about why you really can’t do that task,
the more you will find it hard to say anything other than “I just can’t”.
The
conclusion to every reason why something is difficult for an OCD sufferer
usually in my case comes down to the simple fact where you can’t really explain exactly
why, other than to just have to utter words like “That’s just the way it is”
which don’t really carry any weight or meaning behind them for many people.
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