What goes on in the OCD mind: 2. No Choice

Inside my mind I know of course why I can’t tolerate something. It’s because of OCD. It told me I can’t. But it didn’t just tell me though. It wrote the rule. It changed my rules of humanity, redefining the world around me into its version of reality. Some of the OCD self-help books use a strategy to remind you that it’s not you that is thinking the recursive obsessive thoughts but it’s OCD. It can be very useful to realise and keep realising what is an OCD thought and what isn’t. This is something like mindful awareness, where you distance yourself from the OCD so that you can remember and relearn that your thoughts have been invaded by OCD. Of course, it’s not a little voice in your head that you can hear which is telling you anything. None of us OCD people are literally hearing people talking in our heads telling us to worry about something, or avoid something. We instinctively just think OCD thoughts naturally. I am OCD, in a sense. It’s a part of me. I’m aware that it’s totally integrated now into my mind in a way like a virus has infected every aspect of my brain, reprogramming it to behave and think a different way; the OCD way. Its way is the only way. He who must be obeyed. There is no choice when it comes down to OCD or me. Yet I can work around the OCD and do on many occasions, but if it comes down to a simple choice when it’s either comply with the OCD thought or not, then it’s almost always OCD that will win out.

What goes on in the OCD mind: 1. Reprogrammed

I wanted to attempt to try to describe the inner thoughts of my OCD mind to you in order to explain what goes on inside, even if it feels near impossible to do so. With some aspects of OCD it’s conceivable somewhat to explain why you have a problem with something like an item or location but somewhere down your line of explanation there almost always seems to be a point where you metaphorically rip up the book of common sense reasoning to which most human beings adhere to and instead apply your own logic. This won’t necessarily be the same definition of logic that non-OCD people rationalise the world around them with, but your own unique form from the inner depths of your brain where for most part what you feel about something is usually dictated to you long before it reaches your consciousness. When OCD invades your mind it goes on the rampage, rewriting as much of your views of everything in this world into ones that are grafted with OCD graffiti that has permanently stained. This way, no matter what you do or think, OCD knows … that you know … that it wrote those rules you’re following. If you can’t do a certain action you’ll know it’s because OCD stated you can’t and, if you can perform an action, you’ll also know that the only reason you can do this is because OCD let you. If someone asks you why you struggle or refuse to do some task, you’ll start by answering it logically with words that most understand, and logic that partially seems plausible. The more questions someone asks you about why you really can’t do that task, the more you will find it hard to say anything other than “I just can’t”. 

The conclusion to every reason why something is difficult for an OCD sufferer usually in my case comes down to the simple fact where you can’t really explain exactly why, other than to just have to utter words like “That’s just the way it is” which don’t really carry any weight or meaning behind them for many people.