What goes on in the OCD mind: 3. Why should I comply with OCD?

What’s the punishment for not compiling with OCD? Well, this is sometimes the £100,000 question as it’s not always a tangible pain that is feared. It’s undoubtedly something bad. Really bad. But not necessary a physical injury to yourself or someone else. Just knowing that not doing what the OCD thinks is bad enough. It’s like worrying about worrying. If you can just stop the worrying by performing a task then it’s a simple action you would think. I do a particular task dictated to by OCD and all that immediate fear goes away. I know it’s not the way to setting yourself free long term from OCD, to just give into it, but when your vision of the world around you has been transformed by OCD it’s easy to do what the OCD says because in a way it’s the normal thing to do. It doesn’t seem like I’m obeying anything or anyone. Just that I’m living a life that, although I know is shaped by OCD, I don’t see it as unnatural. It’s frustrating and annoying at times yes, but it still doesn’t feel unnatural. The reason for this is because the nature of the threats that OCD makes me feel … feels normal. I know OCD isn’t natural, but when it’s telling me there is something to worry about, it feels like a simple obvious fact. Of course it’s something to worry about, that person, that clothing, that place or that item. Why? Because I know it is, as that’s just the way the world I now know operates. It doesn’t feel like OCD is telling me this, because my perception has changed. I can see all the dots that join up to spell something to worry about, something that many other people can’t. I know how life works and I know what’s hidden where the majority of people can’t see or think of these fears. Yes, the most people can’t see that contamination or issues to worry about that I can. Am I bothered? More fool them!

What goes on in the OCD mind: 2. No Choice

Inside my mind I know of course why I can’t tolerate something. It’s because of OCD. It told me I can’t. But it didn’t just tell me though. It wrote the rule. It changed my rules of humanity, redefining the world around me into its version of reality. Some of the OCD self-help books use a strategy to remind you that it’s not you that is thinking the recursive obsessive thoughts but it’s OCD. It can be very useful to realise and keep realising what is an OCD thought and what isn’t. This is something like mindful awareness, where you distance yourself from the OCD so that you can remember and relearn that your thoughts have been invaded by OCD. Of course, it’s not a little voice in your head that you can hear which is telling you anything. None of us OCD people are literally hearing people talking in our heads telling us to worry about something, or avoid something. We instinctively just think OCD thoughts naturally. I am OCD, in a sense. It’s a part of me. I’m aware that it’s totally integrated now into my mind in a way like a virus has infected every aspect of my brain, reprogramming it to behave and think a different way; the OCD way. Its way is the only way. He who must be obeyed. There is no choice when it comes down to OCD or me. Yet I can work around the OCD and do on many occasions, but if it comes down to a simple choice when it’s either comply with the OCD thought or not, then it’s almost always OCD that will win out.

What goes on in the OCD mind: 1. Reprogrammed

I wanted to attempt to try to describe the inner thoughts of my OCD mind to you in order to explain what goes on inside, even if it feels near impossible to do so. With some aspects of OCD it’s conceivable somewhat to explain why you have a problem with something like an item or location but somewhere down your line of explanation there almost always seems to be a point where you metaphorically rip up the book of common sense reasoning to which most human beings adhere to and instead apply your own logic. This won’t necessarily be the same definition of logic that non-OCD people rationalise the world around them with, but your own unique form from the inner depths of your brain where for most part what you feel about something is usually dictated to you long before it reaches your consciousness. When OCD invades your mind it goes on the rampage, rewriting as much of your views of everything in this world into ones that are grafted with OCD graffiti that has permanently stained. This way, no matter what you do or think, OCD knows … that you know … that it wrote those rules you’re following. If you can’t do a certain action you’ll know it’s because OCD stated you can’t and, if you can perform an action, you’ll also know that the only reason you can do this is because OCD let you. If someone asks you why you struggle or refuse to do some task, you’ll start by answering it logically with words that most understand, and logic that partially seems plausible. The more questions someone asks you about why you really can’t do that task, the more you will find it hard to say anything other than “I just can’t”. 

The conclusion to every reason why something is difficult for an OCD sufferer usually in my case comes down to the simple fact where you can’t really explain exactly why, other than to just have to utter words like “That’s just the way it is” which don’t really carry any weight or meaning behind them for many people.

My OCD Musings: Medication

As I enjoy a little walk in the countryside today I wonder something that I often think about from time to time. I don't spend hours thinking about it or worrying, but just reflecting on it. The subject is 'Medication' and especially "Has it changed me?".

I don't refer to the obvious benefits it's given me in terms of helping with OCD but instead to am I any different mentally, away from OCD because of it? Is my behaviour and personality different because of the medication? It's hard to really know. Certainly my mind is a lot clearer and free because of the medication, but alas, of course, I'm far from free of OCD. Simply my mind is able to respond to my own specific instructions. i.e. "don't think about that. Do something else." It's not 100% on that but certainly substantially better than without the medication. Anyhow, it's not OCD that I want to talk about here, but my personality.

These days I pretty carefree generally. I'm an introvert, but also quite jovial in other people's company. Most probably believe me some sort of party animal perhaps but my personality has been designed by myself over time. I find that humour helps so I overplay it to aide myself and also others. What goes around, goes around .. because if someone else smiles because of something I see or the way I act, then they are likely to cheer me as well. It makes sense. However, is the way I'm thinking in terms of a non-OCD level the real me, or tailored by the medication? I can't put it into any real examples because my life has changed over the years with OCD. I learnt ways to behave differently in order to cope. I'm not the same person regardless of the medication. It's hard to say if I am or am not different solely because of the medication. I'm unsure if it's possible to conclusive put down any low, high, moody, ill periods as being due to the medication or OCD or mental health or just the way things go.

What I can be sure about is that I'm 'happy' with the way I think these days. We all have advantages and disadvantages to our personality, thoughts and feelings. It's no different to me than to anyone else. I am who I am, and that's enough.

Disclaimer: As with any post here, if you have any concerns about your health or medication, please see a doctor. Honestly, they are the best people for that.

In the beginning ...

Well, I've created my blog and now have to decide excactly what I'll be posting although I'm thinking I'll do some posts about my OCD history and my OCD now. Probably even OCD future.

I'll also probably post random mental health related subjects to do with the human mind as things come to me. Each post will probably be short, although I do have some content already written that I was thinking about making into an e-book, but have decided a blog is a better place as it's free and also probably easier for my random thoughts!

I might do "Ask OCD Guy UK" if anyone ever wants to ask me a question (I may not answer certain questions - I reserve that right) although you can also tweet me such questions @OCD_Guy_UK of course anyways.